Sandwich Generation: Caring for Aging Parents and Kids • Everyday Cheapskate

A lovely new assisted living community is going up near my house. It’s gorgeous. It’s also a daily reminder of how hard it is to talk with aging parents about their health and what comes next. If you’re part of the sandwich generation, caught between your parents and your grown kids, this one’s for you. Let’s talk about who’s in the sandwich and how to start that conversation.

Ever hang up with your mom about her doctor’s appointment, then pick up a call from your grown daughter who’s panicking about a job interview? Same afternoon. Same you.

If that sounds familiar, there’s a name for what you’re doing. And you’ve got a lot of company.

What is the sandwich generation?

It’s the name for middle-aged adults who are pulled two ways at once, supporting aging parents on one side and their own children on the other. And it’s a big crowd. According to Mental Health America, nearly a third of all caregivers (29%) are part of it.

Not every sandwich is built the same. Which one are you?

The traditional sandwich

You’re squeezed between the needs of aging parents (or other relatives or friends) and the demands of your own kids, spouse, and career. Something is always on fire. Usually more than one thing.

The club sandwich

Add a layer. You’re in your 50s or 60s with aging parents, grown children, and grandchildren all in the mix. Or you’re in your 30s or 40s with little ones, aging parents, and grandparents. Stacked high.

The double stuff sandwich

Your adult, post-college kid has moved back home because the job hasn’t shown up, or the money hasn’t. The boomerangs, we call them. If that’s your house, you’ll want to read House Rules for Adult Children Living at Home.

The open face sandwich

You’re helping an elder on one side and somebody else who needs support on the other. No top slice. Just a lot of filling.

My husband and I have a lot of friends in this boat. I’d guess at least half are caring for elderly parents or supporting adult children and grandchildren. In plenty of cases, those folks have moved in. Permanently.

How common is it, really?

More common than you’d think, especially in your 40s. Mental Health America reports that 54% of Americans in their 40s have a living parent age 65 or older and are either raising a child under 18 or have helped an adult child financially in the past year. Men and women are about equally likely to land here.

Here’s the surprising part. Sandwich generation adults are somewhat more likely than other adults to say they’re very satisfied with their family life. Exhausted, yes. Stretched thin, absolutely. But not miserable.

Which brings me back to that assisted living community down the road. The best time to talk about what comes next is long before anyone needs to. Awkward? Sure. Worth it? Absolutely.

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How do you talk to aging parents about the future?

Think of it this way. A trip to the dental hygienist can save you from a painful procedure down the road. A conversation with your parents about aging does the same thing. It helps preserve a future you can both handle.

Wait too long and you’ll have fewer choices. It may cost more, too, to get them the care they need.

How you bring it up matters a lot. It can decide whether your parents accept your help at all. Here’s how I’d start.

Listen

Don’t miss a chance to talk about the future. Listen to your parents and ask questions. Resist telling them what to do, no matter how tempting. And start earlier rather than later.

Be patient

Your parents spent years biting their collective tongues while they raised you. Now it’s your turn. Give them time to think over their options, because big decisions won’t get made in one casual phone call.

Expect silence

You may not get quick answers. This could be one of the hardest seasons of their lives. Let them process, think, and ponder. Silence isn’t a no.

Don’t assume

Above all, don’t mistake indecision for a lack of interest. I’d bet good money they’ve been thinking about this a lot longer than you have. It’s just easy to put off when the future looks far away.

Get help

It’s okay if you have no idea what you’re doing. Wanting to help your parents is a big first step. Now dare to ask for help.

Laugh

Keep your sense of humor. It’ll keep you sane for the years ahead.

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What about the person in the middle?

That would be you. And yes, you’re allowed to be tired.

Here’s the funny thing about being the filling in the sandwich. Everybody else’s needs get handled first. Yours slide to the bottom of the list. Then somebody loses the list.

Mental Health America has some good advice for the rough spots, and I agree with all of it.

Your time disappears. Get organized. Hold regular family meetings to divide up the tasks, and ask friends and neighbors for a break. They’re often glad to help and just don’t know what you need. Got siblings? Put them to work. Costs, hands-on care, visits. Nobody gets to coast.
Family tension flares up. Caregiving stirs up big emotions, and old childhood disputes love to crash the party. Be honest about how you feel and clear about what you expect from each other. If things get tense, bring in a neutral third party.
You feel like a failure. You’ll fall short on some things. Everybody does. Try not to think in extremes. A day that didn’t go as planned isn’t a day that didn’t count.
The feelings get complicated. Guilt, resentment, sadness, and dread are all normal when you’re watching your parent need you in a new way. Talk with a friend, find a support group, or write it all in a journal nobody will ever read.

And if you feel like you can’t stay afloat, Mental Health America offers a free mental health screen at mhascreening.org. It’s a good place to start.

You’re doing better than you think

The sandwich is heavy. I won’t pretend otherwise.

But look at what you’re doing. You’re showing up for people you love, and you’re doing it while tired. You’re reading about hard conversations instead of avoiding them. That’s no small thing.

You won’t do this perfectly. Nobody does. Some days you’ll nail it. Other days dinner will be cereal. Both kinds of days count.

So be as kind to yourself as you’d be to a friend in your shoes. Then pick up the phone and start that conversation. Today is a perfectly good day.

Question: Now tell me, which sandwich are you? Leave a comment and let me know. I read every one.

Feeling a little squished in the middle? You’re in good company. Every day in the Everyday Cheapskate newsletter I share practical tips, real fixes and smart ways to save money on everyday life, delivered free to your inbox. Subscribe here and let’s make everyday life a little cheaper, easier and smarter.