How to Be a Good House Guest Worthy of a Repeat Invitation in the Future

Picture this: You’re checking your inbox, and among the mundane messages, one stands out—a request from a distant acquaintance planning a cross-country road trip, eyeing your doorstep as a pitstop. What ensues is a tale of unexpected chaos, hospitality stretched to its limits, and lessons learned the hard way. Join me as I share the highs, the lows, and the unwritten rules of being a house guest worthy of a repeat invitation.

It was shocking, if not surreal. The email message was from a woman I’d never met, and whose name I recognized only because months earlier, she had sent a manuscript of a book she’d written. I responded graciously, thanking her for the advance copy. I found it useful and a book I believed my readers would enjoy. I offered to write an endorsement if and when she found a publisher. We had a few rounds of messages, and that sums up the level of friendship we may have established.

The message announced that she and her family were planning a cross-country road trip to Disneyland and would love to stay with us since (at the time) we lived nearby. “Oh, wouldn’t that be so much fun?” She gave a tentative date for when they would be arriving.

Lessons Learned

Everything I know about what not to do as a house guest (and quite possibly a host!), I learned from that experience, from not agreeing to it in the first place (which I should have done) to the moment they drove up, to the time they finally departed—far too many days hence.

In the interest of full disclosure, because I have friends and relatives who read these posts, I can tell you that all other house guests we have ever had in our lives have been wonderful and exemplary. Do not worry. This is not about you!

1. Invitation Etiquette

It need not be engraved on parchment, but you need some indication that you are invited to be a guest in another’s home. Do not send a cryptic message (“Looks like we will be in your area in a couple of weeks!”), hoping that will wrangle an invitation. And for goodness sake, don’t just show up. That would forever designate you as either an interloper or a freeloader.

2. Specific Dates

Nail down the dates of your visit and then stick to them. When your host does not offer specific dates, trust me, that does not mean you should stay as long as you like. Listen for subtle clues (“We’ll be super busy toward the end of July”). You may need to split your time with someone else or find other accommodations for half your trip.

3. Do Not Be Vague

If the two of you plan to arrive with the four children, two dogs, and the new kitten, spell it out. Do not assume your host will know this intuitively. Be very clear on who will be joining you on this visit.

4. Respect the Host’s Space

Arriving with 16 suitcases and enough toys, devices, and equipment to keep the children entertained for weeks on end tends to make it appear that you’ll be taking over the entire house. Bring only what you need, which will fit into a guest room, and then make sure it all stays there. You’re not staying in a hotel, so don’t treat your friend’s home like one. A good rule of thumb: When you’re not in your room, it should look like it did when you arrived.

5. House Rules

All homes have rules. If your hosts remove their shoes at the front door, notice that and follow suit.

Don’t eat in the living room; do not allow the children to jump on the furniture. Or open and then go through every cupboard and drawer in the entire house (yes, they did, and to the delight of their mother, who remarked that the children are just so curious). 

6. Mind the Children 

Talk to your kids—before you travel—about manners, respect, and being neat. Let them know you expect them to pick up their clothing and offer to help carry groceries or set the table.

7. Transportation

Make sure you have worked this out before your arrival. Do not expect that your hosts’ vehicles are part of the deal. Rent a car or figure out public transportation ahead of time. Should your hosts offer the use of a vehicle, return it with the interior impeccably clean, the car washed, and the gas tank full— regardless of how you received it, how many miles you put on it, or how much time you spent in it.

8. Pitch In

Do not expect your hosts to do all the work. See what needs to be done and offer to help. And if the hosts prefer for you to sit back and relax, respect their wishes. Just don’t make things especially difficult for them. Don’t make things weird!

9. Tour Guides

You can graciously invite your hosts to join you at Sea World, but don’t expect that to happen. And don’t assume they will have discount tickets for you. Or they will watch the children while you go out for a few hours. Remember, they are neither your babysitters nor your tour guides. 

10. Leave a Fragrance

Upon your departure, you and all who arrived with you want to make sure you leave behind a fragrance—not an odor. And I mean that both literally and figuratively.

Clean up after yourselves without being obnoxious. Don’t assume you need to do all the laundry and clean the house before you leave. Just use your common sense. A lovely parting gesture is to leave a handwritten thank you and appropriate gift (flowers are nice) to let your hosts know how much you enjoyed your stay.

A Must-Read for Hosts & Guests

I have a book in my library that actually was published (!)—one I cherish and read often, mostly because it is so entertaining, uniquely written, and educational.

Years ago, its author, Darlene Dennis, sent it to me. Honestly, if you have ever had house guests or assume you may in the future, you need to read Host or Hostage: A Guide for Surviving House Guests. You’ll laugh, you’ll learn, and in the process, become a gracious host or guest, as the case may be. I wouldn’t suggest you take every suggestion as gospel. Some are worth adoption, others worth a jaw-drop or two, and perhaps even a belly laugh. Again, let common sense prevail.

 

Question: What’s your most memorable house guest experience—either as a guest or a host? I’d love to hear your stories!

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