Don’t Let Kids’ Activities Break the Bank

Posted on November 8, 2012 by Mary Hunt in Dear Mary 15 Comments

Dear Mary,

My biggest budget busters are enrichment activities for my four children. I want to spark their joy for living and have them sample different sports and hobbies.

Currently they attend a private school that is academically aggressive, and each takes piano lessons. The boys take karate and the girls, ballet. They are also involved in sports, as well as theatre productions at school―none of which is free. We are a one-income family and I stay home with our four children. Our finances are very tight and we end up using credit to make it through the month. It sounds simple enough to just put my children in public school and drop all the extras, but my mommy-guilt says NO. I want the best for my kids. Any advice? Tricia, email

Ballet

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Dear Tricia,

The definition of “guilt” is “remorse caused by feeling responsible for some offense.” You have not committed any offense so I don’t think this is about guilt. You are experiencing fear of failing as a parent. The best way to get rid of fear is to replace it with power. And power comes through knowledge. 

Experts tell us it is not good for kids to be overstimulated by things or activities. You can push kids to the brink of despair by over-involving them in sports, music, karate, dance and aggressive academia all at the same time. That you are going into debt to enable all of this is even more troubling.

Psychologists say parents who overindulge their kids may actually be setting them up to be more vulnerable to future anxiety and depression. For sure all of the activities are putting your kids under a lot of pressure to perform and to also excel.

Twenty years from now your worth as a parent will not be measured by the number of activities your kids were in, the scores on their SATs or the trophies on their shelves. It will be measured by the depth of their character and the way they live their lives. As for school, don’t ever assume a teacher—public or private, secular or Christian—can take your place when it comes to passing values to your children.

I suggest you allow each child to pick one activity and then make sure they have plenty of free time to just be kids. As for school, I am a huge proponent of public schools and encourage you to get involved with yours should you send your children there.

Dear Mary,

My daughter is engaged to a man who refuses to find a job. He is 23 and lives with his parents. My daughter pays all of their dating expenses, her car payment, insurance and so forth. He sleeps until noon, plays computer games all day and then waits for her to pick him up. She thinks that as her mother I am supposed to pay for her wedding. I say I’m not putting one solitary dime into a wedding to a man who won’t work. What do you think?

Kendra, Illinois

Dear Kendra,

Hold your ground and tell your daughter all the reasons you cannot support this marriage. Is there a therapist or family counselor she would speak with? There’s some reason she is willing to settle for so little in a husband and father for her children. I hope she figures it out before she makes the biggest mistake of her life.

Question: Have you ever been in Tricia’s situation? How did your family resolve things? Tell us here.  

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Posted on November 8, 2012 by Mary Hunt in Dear Mary 15 Comments
  • Rebecca

    I have not been in Tricia’s situation, but as a teacher I can tell you that kids need free play and they also need outdoor activities – not organized – but a walk in the woods with the family, a hike up a mountain, fishing, etc. That’s where imagination, creativity, and problem-solving is stimulated. One thing that stuck with me in my adult years is what I learned on the family camping trips. My father took us on hikes, taught us to identify trees, told stories around the campfire. If Tricia is concerned about public schools, she may want to check out the charter schools in her area. These are tuition-free.

  • Martha

    I agree this is too much activities. If she and the kids really liked this much activities then she could get a job and use that income to pay for them and the debt their causing.

  • Beck

    My kids went to public schools and my son is getting ready to graduate from college with honors. Your kids would be do just as well in public schools if they study. As for activities you could be a team mom, stage mom or such to defray some of the expenses if you do some work they may waive the fee even to the point of being an unpaid assistant coach.
    Sports and activities are nice for kids but be sure they want to take all of them. Over scheduling a child can cause them stress. Music has been proven to help a child in school so that is a great activity as long as the child enjoys it. You might be able to clean the piano teacher’s home in exchange for lessons or some other barter. The best bet is public schools then the tutition you pay for private school can be saved for college and/or help pay for activities.

    • http://www.everydaycheapskate.com/ Mary Hunt

      There are great public schools and great private ones, too. I just visited Regents School in Austin, TX. Amazing, classical education for K – 12. But pricey?! Yikes. There are rotten public schools and rotten private ones, too. Just because a school calls itself “Christian” does not mean that it offers an excellent education.

  • Lamping06

    If you like the school, keep the school and get rid of all the extra activities. What really matters for kids these days is family time and friend time. Take time to ASK each child, what is your favorite thing to do? Let them keep one sport or activity each year that they love. If you have a sports-orientated child, give them the option of going to public school so they can afford more sports. Its okay for kids to have to make choices and for parents to share the realities of life. In fact, it is very important for them to learn how the world works and make these choices. Again though, latch on to that family time while you still have it – that’s what they’ll remember years later.

  • Tricia W

    My sons got together with the neighborhood kids and formed their own baseball/football/soccer teams and played at the local park. They are grown now but have built strong friendships with many of those kids over the years.

    • http://www.everydaycheapskate.com/ Mary Hunt

      Love this!

  • A mom in Mich

    I understand the fear at putting your kids in public school. Both my husband and I attended private, academically aggressive schools. We had great educations all the way through graduate school. But we were not sure we wanted those same experiences for our own kids. We put them in public schools and were extremely pleased with everything. I am convinced that there are 2 indicators of school success that matter more than anything else – parental involvement and class size. If class sizes are too large, than parental involvement becomes all the more important.

    We were aggressive in the early years (up to age 9 or 10) on having the kids try a lot of activities. By about 10, they settled down into things they really enjoyed doing. Music – if your kids are not practicing their instruments (without reminding or nagging) by age 10, it’s time to drop those lessons. They’ve learned what they need to know, and they can easily pick that instrument up later in life if they want to. DItto on pretty much everything else – by age 10, kids will have an opinion about what they enjoy. Not sure that saves a lot of money though. My kids were both pretty good at the things they did enjoy, and as they advanced in the activities that they wanted to pursue, the fees got higher. As this was something important to our family, we budgeted for these things.

    I occasionally use credit to get by at the end of a month. This is a huge red flag to STOP! This month, in September, that happened. For October, the scenario was about to repeat itself. My kids are older now, my husband passed away, so it’s a much smaller household. I told everyone that there would be no money until payday (about 6 days away). We got creative in transportation – busses and grabbing rides with friends (and using up the rest of the gas in the container in the garage that has gas for the lawnmower); we figured out ways to make meals (that turned out to be fun and healthy) from the food in the pantry and fridge; and nobody spent a nickel for 6 days. It felt uplifting and free-ing. Plus my budget for November is back on track and the credit cards have been banished again! You can and should raise your family without the stress of too much debt.

    Play games. Go for walks. Go camping. Sing together. There are SO MANY things you can do as a family that are free and educational and fun. It IS about character and confidence (that comes from being resourceful) that matters.

    • http://www.everydaycheapskate.com/ Mary Hunt

      Good advice, Mom in Mich

  • Minnesota Grandma

    My choice would be public school that you also get involved with, one sport or activity a year for each, a Girl Scout or Boy Scout (or similar local club) membership, and best of all — an ongoing volunteer activity for each. You’d be amazed how much children love to volunteer and how much satisfaction and self-confidence they get from it. I’m raising my granddaughter and this is what we do.

  • Eunice

    From a piano teacher:

    I see this so often with my students’ families In fact, one very talented student had to quit piano last spring because Mom was so burdened with all the scheduling for 3 children that something had to go. When deciding which activities to choose think about those things that will carry on with them through their life. What will give them the most joy as they get older. Sports are fun and may get them a college scholarship but music lessons will be theirs forever. Also, I totally agree with a previous writer that kids need to be kids and just have time to do “kid things”. When every minute of their day is structured with activities and homework, they forget how to entertain themselves and be creative.

  • Mary in Laguna Hills

    Mary, your response to Tricia was spot-on. I think she has a different definition of being a “good parent.” It’s beginning to seem to be the norm for parents to overstimulate their children. I have many friends who do the same. I’ve been careful not to have my kids involved in too many extracurricular activities. But there’s that peer pressure from other parents who always ask, “What sport does your child play?” Sure, I’ve let them try out different activities/sports, one at a time. Right now, my kids are active with academics and school activities that don’t involve weekends. They go to wonderful public schools with excellent teachers and get excellent grades. I am an involved parent at both schools. They play outdoors (what a concept) in unstructured activities and play board games together. It’s difficult for them to find neighborhood kids to play with on the weekends because many of those kids are in sports that consume their entire weekend. I think it’s wonderful that Tricia can be at home working full-time for her family, but I bet she has very little time for herself or her husband after being the “taxi” to all of her kids’ activities. Life can get hectic, if you let it, and the kids grow up way too fast. I believe Tricia’s kids would enjoy some quality family time together (with mom and dad) and making memories, more than being shuffled to all the different activities. I’ve discussed this with my kids and they are very content and, more importantly, they are incredible people with good characters, morals, and manners.

  • Stephanie Swalwell

    I am a public school graduate and a former National Merit Scholar. I taught public school for 10 years. I home school my kids, having spent a year in private school and not especially seeing a difference from the way that I was accustomed – and unsatisfied – with seeing it done in public school. If you’re happy in private school, unless it’s the snootiness of saying “private school”, odds are good you’d be happy in public school – I second all of the ‘get involved’ statements. Children of involved parents – public, private, or home schooled – are overall more successful.

    I believe that the purpose of parenting is not to give your children every opportunity, but to teach them to take advantage of every available opportunity. I was scheduled to within an inch of my life as a child (literally, school till 3, violin at 4, art or karate at 530, gymnastics or dance at 7 – depending on the day, homework until 10. And that was in the fifth grade.

    My boys are in swimming, scouts, and karate. A friend teaches them guitar in exchange for math and science tutoring. IMO, that’s enough. If they were in school from 7 to 3, I think it would be too much.

  • Eva

    When my kids were little as each got to (about 8) I showed them my paycheck that I as a single mom got. then took them with me to the bank and cashed the check. we then sat down and doled out the money on top of the bill. this resulted in a small amount . then we discussed Food and other necessities coming up with the left over $40 discretionary amount we could spend on sports or other activities. I told them I did not care which activity they picked but it could not be higher than that amount…( that also was movies etc). Both my kids can handle money much better than I can.. Daughter is a CPA ! Son is a great father who budgets similar for his daughter.

  • Debbie Sue

    Like Tricia we are a one income family and we enrolled our son in a private school. The difference is that I have lupus and my husband travels a lot. I couldn’t take him to all the activities I thought were essential. What happened instead is that he had time to create and find his own passions. He is now 14 and has won the art award three years in a row as he loves to draw. He is also a story maker. Right now his artwork has had over 8,000 hits on the web. Sometimes I would be making dinner and he’d say, “May i have a few more minutes mom? I’m almost finished this story” and he’d do a quick walk around the block to process the ideas. Quiet is not wasted time. Instead of sports programs he learned to love riding his bike. Music at school gave way to optional art classes. I know the fear that you are not giving them a balance in music, sports and education but for them to develop who they are they need time to process. Tricia is a good mom who wants their best. Giving them the love they need to feel secure and grounded, giving them values and heart will be the best way to accomplish that. Best of luck.